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July 31, 2017

Trash Or Treasure, It’s All Perspective

“It’s not the gift that counts. It’s the thought.”   – Some idiot

While I am firmly convinced that there is a market for every product, I am far less certain that those products always reach their target consumers. Many of us are just not the best gift-givers. While we try our hardest, we often find what seemed like an absolute treasure will fail to delight the recipient. That’s how many *ahem* lovely gifts wind up at Goodwill.

Please note, I am not criticizing or putting down any of these things. I love kitsch, silly gifts, and oddities. Any jesting to follow is said with affection, by a grown man with a Mr. Magoo doll and a macramé chicken atop his bookshelf. That said, here are a few “it was a gift” items I recently discovered:

A gold snake.


Because someone thought it looked cool and assumed his wife/girlfriend would agree. Unless one is producing a stage adaptation of Scarface or trying to frighten well-heeled mice out of the arugula garden, there is no need for a gold snake. My guess is it was on its way to Goodwill before the wrapping got thrown away. Some 14-year-old kid, however, is going to love it.


This had to have been a grandma gift; as in, a gift someone gave his/her grandma. I suspect this person stood to inherit a fair fortune, as clamping Granny down to a soapy shower floor in glorified flip-flops seems like a great idea if she’s having balance issues. These will wind up in some college dorm, where “Hall Scrub Hockey” or some such will become all the rage, with the resulting injuries being the subject of laughter, not burial plans.

Retro Gaming…

This was a gift from a childless adult to a family with three kids.  “Great idea! Let’s put a basket on your head and let the other kids throw rubber balls at you!” Tempers soon flared. Blood resulted. Fights ensued. It went to Goodwill, where it will be adopted by the same college kids, who will enjoy finding new ways to injure themselves while nursing broken ankles from Hall Scrub Hockey.


If cracking an egg is too much trouble, you probably don’t cook much, anyway. This item is likely on the “purchase-gift-Goodwill” perma-loop, truth be told.  Although, EZCracker may be my alias if I ever go into witness protection.

…and so forth. Next time you’re at Goodwill, try this for fun: see if you can find an item that you really like and want for yourself, and imagine how it might have been a truly terrible gift for someone else. (You know you’re gonna buy that gold snake…)